I need to pee. BRB!!!
And this is exactly what I do all the fucking time. I procrastinate and then I make it to level mediocre and occasionally I do make it to level outstanding just cause I can but never ever actually use it to my advantage.
So let me warn you, this post is going to be as random as the blue guitar above and as always let me explain how I got it. I Googled the images under my name "Chitirra" and all that I got was Chitarra pasta. Yeah that's right food!!! But I scrolled a little more and found this blue guitar. I guess sometimes we just don't know what we're looking for but when you say "Come What May" you take it as it comes and you give it a purpose or a meaning rather than finding for something to fit your purpose aimlessly.
So somehow Google knew Chitirra loves music, randomness and blue and thus The Blue Guitar was born. Chit Blue, Blue Queen, The Girl With The Blue Beanie, I go by all these names but never really gave myself a definition.
Okay look we all know where this is going. This is a rant post after ages of not blogging and I finally decided to type that shit in and do a post. In hopes to be back like I always do. I once told Jason my friend that in all that you do "BELIEVE"! That much is true so yeah. "Believe, even if it means putting your faith in a yellow highlighter," was what I said and I trust he remembers it till date. Oh, Jason oh Jason my good old friend. Where art thou when I need you the most? And there you are I told myself. Right in my heart with this memory. If you can just remember that, that every soul you ever come across only drops by to let you teach or to teach you and leave a piece of memory behind, then you are never alone. You have all these memories to carry with you and for that I'm grateful for Jason. I'm grateful for all whom I've met and I'm grateful for my yellow highlighter theory. So today I place my trust in The Blue Guitar and shall begin my post with a strum on the virtual guitar. Haha! That concludes my explanation on the picture! I'm weird like that! Always was and always will be! Take me as I am baby!
Can we start now? Yes!!!
So...
I dunno...
I'm just here writing what I feel and something finally triggered me to be here and to spill somethings out...
Maybe it was 2020, maybe it was me, maybe it was you! (It was you.... Bahahahahahah... I love the blame game innit! Just kidding it was 2020. I'm sorry I mean it was me! It has always been me.) Whatever you do in your life is because of you. So yeah, I'll take blame for the way my life has been and I'll also take credit that I'm here to type this out.
I just feel blank. Like this emptiness, this melancholy that is running through me. It triggered today after a splendid game of badminton and an absolutely thrilling conversation over dinner. I realised today that I can be more than what I am. I've always been that lazy ass and I've always used that word as a nasty excuse for my lack of progress whether it was my job or my health or my love life (let's not go there shall we, I've been free for the past 2 years but I feel like I'm going to sink into that nasty whirpool again anytime soon and I just wish I could runaway to the Himalayas or something).
Maybe I'll start with my job. I've been so hardworking but is that enough. This is the first time I've ever given myself a compliment. That I legit am hardworking but I've been drained and I've gone back into my lazy mode. I feel like I've just been on a routinous roller coaster closing in and out and I know what shit's gonna come next and all that's left to do is for maintenance control to fail and poof that track is gonna snap and everything is gonna come tumbling downwards. What's going to be worse is if I'm at the peak and it comes crashing. Will I be able to break the fall? But I see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is approaching thanks to my friends who spit the truth on my face. Will I be able to do this? All I ever do is ask the lord to give me the dear strength. I'm making the necessary changes and I hope to persevere and give that roller coaster a brake in order to make my biggest break.
Then there's my health. Okay look maybe I don't spell these things out but maybe I'm not in the pink of my health. I'm obese as fuck and I love to eat. I don't get why people think I'm a drunktard when I'm not though. I'm not and no I'm not in denial. I know you're not going to believe me but if I don't believe in me then who will. Anyways yeah I'm not a drunktard (this awkwardly came up in the conversation today) but yes I'm a foodie and a fatty. However, I don't want to end up like some self-centred depressed asshole. You can call me whatever the fuck you want but depressed people are selfish. I'm not saying I'm not selfish. Fat people are selfish too and I pray to reduce that. I've found a wonderful coach and I have 20 sessions at the gym left. Aside from that I've been inspired my my amazing friend who will be leaving me shortly for a job overseas but she left me with all the wisdom in the world to be a better person. Even for that big break up there for my job. I did my annual medical check up and everything looked okay based on my current situation. It's a pass but there's so much more to do. So yay!!! Get started bitch.
Then there's this lovely boy whom I've been oh so blessed with to be my motivator, mentor and a good friend. A friend who inspired me to start something new for the year. Singing!!! Apparently what I do best. Being the lazy ass that I am I've always evaded it with the excuse that I suck but the truth is I don't. I actually sing pretty well and I just need more practice and yet again I pray that god gives me the wisdom and ability to practice till I'm perfect (just as what Vikram Menon told me today for badminton - Vikram Menon, he says the craziest things. I'm going to pen this right here so that 10 years down the lane when I read this I will remember this random bitch for giving me good quotes aside from Kahlil Gibrans).
So there you have it. Mainly my job, health and singing which were a problem but all of which have their solutions. 2 amazing friends (names not mentioned) who inspired me and 2 other amazing friends Jason and Vikram who left me with 2 theories (the yellow highlighter theory and that practice makes perfect). If I put this all together at the end of the day I'm actually blessed with a great life and great friends. So what is there to complain about? Why do I always complain?
This brings me to another there you have it moment!
It's just me. I don't know why? Am I not greateful (my sister just highlighted that) but I am aren't I? Then why? I'm sooooooo fucking blessed then why? What's the missing piece? Or will there always be a missing piece like those moveable jigsaw games. If you don't have one missing piece you will not be able to move the cubes to design that picture that you want?
There will always be a missing piece and once you bring everything together and you can see the picture of how blessed you are as a whole you will be able to fill that void with a creative design which can only sprout from gratitude. That I am enough and thank you God effect.
Did I just answer my own question? Then what was it that was really missing in the first place?
Well I don't know. Maybe it's just someone to share it with.
So here's what I really feel and feel free to judge me coz in 2020 I've come across a multitude of assholes but even more I've come across a multitude of amazing souls.
I just feel like I'm missing you. I feel like all that I'm doing is not worth enough. Maybe because I haven't gotten there. I've just set this framework and all these solutions but I've not implemented them and once I succeed you will come and find me. But is that what it is? I've always had the belief that you should love me as I am and as a whole but I also just realised I suppose that unfortunately that's not how the world functions. Even myself. For the piece of shit that I am (okay was was fine I'll be positive henceforth) but for the piece of shit that "I WAS" or for the piece of greatness that I'm about to be... Even I have standards and maybe it's just not fair to impose my weakness for others to accept when I should only offer my strengths to them as they offer me theirs.
Maybe you will come once I complete myself because I should remember that nobody completes nobody. I complete myself and only then I will be worthy of others. Once I'm worthy of me. But the question now that I just asked God was. Will you wait for me? And to this my sister answered (well I didn't tell her this dilemma but she kinda split some knowledge over to me out of NO WHERE and here is where God is amazing and answers your prayers. In fact it just occurred to me now) But yeah the solution my sister said was if you don't grab it somebody else will. So maybe I'm not chasing after you because I'm not ready and somebody else is. So who should I blame? See stop stop! Stop finding something to blame. Just do it and grab it. If it is meant to be it will be.
Dear Lord I thank you for making me type this out and speak to myself in my best form. I know I should have started the day my friends simultaneously pointed to me that I was the best writer. What took me so long to use my own strength to lift me up? I suppose there is a time and place for everything and I'm about to rewrite my history cause that's what I do best!!!
I love God, I love me and I love you!
Here's to the new music I shall write with my newest discovery, my supporting instrument...
THE BLUE GUITAR!!!
