FINDING FOCUS

I'm always coming in here with so much words to say but in the end I swallow it all. Always temperamental, feeling vulnerable, overthinking, over caring, over anxious, over loving (except myself). I just wish I had a place to vent and likely God can be the only solution but I forgot where I put Him. Is it wrong to feel this way? Just when I got oh so motivated I got crushed. I'm crashing everyday to the ground. Looking good on the outside (or maybe not *rolls my eyes*) but dying on the inside. Always putting the blame on myself. Always putting others first and trying to hold it in. Always having expectations which I know is wrong but I'm only human. Always have detachment issues. And when I finally think I've detached. I haven't actually. I wish I could reverse time. I wish all of this never happened. I wish I was stronger, bolder, more confident, more able to express myself and accept myself and not expect others to. Am I a victim or playing victim? I don't wanna be both. If I'm doing this wrong please universe just shed some light on me. Heal the world and heal me too. Once again praying for the world before I can pray for me. Always believing in that theory. 

And halfway as I was typing this rant post with the intent to type more the universe heard my prayers and sent an angel my way. 

I'M A TOUGH COLD HEARTED BITCH FOR MYSELF AND NO ONE!

I WILL PUT ON MY OXYGEN MASK FIRST AND THEN SAVE THE WORLD!

BLESSED!!!

BEHIND THE BLUE WALL

and it's just all of this distraction that's messing with her head... she doesn't know what she's doing... she doesn't know who she is anymore... she thought she was just sailing through like just when the storm had ended and then now there's this new storm like the Americans and their baby naming ceremonies for every damn hurricane that just won't quit... 

there she goes... derailed from her focus... she's a loose canon... she's a train wreck... who drove her to this extent... she did... she allowed herself to be driven that way... she aligned her thoughts and was ready to take over the world or so she thought... when suddenly her world just collapses and comes tumbling down right in front of her eyes oblivious to that of others...

she had put up walls... thick fucking walls... tall fucking walls.... strong fucking walls... even China got jealous...  it took time, effort, painnnnnnnn a tonne of pain.... the bitter experiences brick by brick laid out by the bastards that put their name on it... so she shut herself in... deep inside never to step out and never to let anyone in or crumble those walls... next thing you know mother fucker she be walking out of her fort through the front fucking door... like bitch why'd you build that wall in the first place then? 

but she remembers... she remembers as soon as she wonders out... a few yards away and already so lost... she was hallucinating... it was the façade of her own mind in her new found happiness... she thought it was going to last it never will stay insideeeeeeeee.... better not wonder off too far my child before you run out of pebbles or worse, bread crumbs... don't you ever run out like that thinking there's a meadow of daisies out there...

she sobs her way back in but she is devastated that her own mind deceived her... she needs to clear her thoughts but she has no platform... she has no avenue to engage... she wants to scream and shout and write it all out but she is confined within her fort... this is how much you can seek... these are the decibels at which you are permitted to speak up to... your walls are too thick anyway... even if you scream at the top of your lungs nobody is going to hear you... these are the only handful of people you can reach out to... i am sorry you don't have much of an option... the world is very small indeed... 

she succumbs to the pain... she mends her wounds everyday without painkillers... they don't sell those kind... the kind to numb the most excruciating pain of all... that from the heart... but she mends them anyway... everyday till there is no more scars... but did she do right by herself?... silly woman... mended the wounds from the outside not from inside out... she looks perfect, pretty, pleasant... she's broken on the inside forever... she works just fine... for others but never for her... 

and she will always be remembered... what a wonderful girl... she had so much to offer but nothing to take... cared too much... thought too much... lived too little... put it on her tombstone will you? make sure you align it perfectly in the centre... even as a ghost she can be pretty...

OCD!