FINDING FOCUS

I'm always coming in here with so much words to say but in the end I swallow it all. Always temperamental, feeling vulnerable, overthinking, over caring, over anxious, over loving (except myself). I just wish I had a place to vent and likely God can be the only solution but I forgot where I put Him. Is it wrong to feel this way? Just when I got oh so motivated I got crushed. I'm crashing everyday to the ground. Looking good on the outside (or maybe not *rolls my eyes*) but dying on the inside. Always putting the blame on myself. Always putting others first and trying to hold it in. Always having expectations which I know is wrong but I'm only human. Always have detachment issues. And when I finally think I've detached. I haven't actually. I wish I could reverse time. I wish all of this never happened. I wish I was stronger, bolder, more confident, more able to express myself and accept myself and not expect others to. Am I a victim or playing victim? I don't wanna be both. If I'm doing this wrong please universe just shed some light on me. Heal the world and heal me too. Once again praying for the world before I can pray for me. Always believing in that theory. 

And halfway as I was typing this rant post with the intent to type more the universe heard my prayers and sent an angel my way. 

I'M A TOUGH COLD HEARTED BITCH FOR MYSELF AND NO ONE!

I WILL PUT ON MY OXYGEN MASK FIRST AND THEN SAVE THE WORLD!

BLESSED!!!

BEHIND THE BLUE WALL

and it's just all of this distraction that's messing with her head... she doesn't know what she's doing... she doesn't know who she is anymore... she thought she was just sailing through like just when the storm had ended and then now there's this new storm like the Americans and their baby naming ceremonies for every damn hurricane that just won't quit... 

there she goes... derailed from her focus... she's a loose canon... she's a train wreck... who drove her to this extent... she did... she allowed herself to be driven that way... she aligned her thoughts and was ready to take over the world or so she thought... when suddenly her world just collapses and comes tumbling down right in front of her eyes oblivious to that of others...

she had put up walls... thick fucking walls... tall fucking walls.... strong fucking walls... even China got jealous...  it took time, effort, painnnnnnnn a tonne of pain.... the bitter experiences brick by brick laid out by the bastards that put their name on it... so she shut herself in... deep inside never to step out and never to let anyone in or crumble those walls... next thing you know mother fucker she be walking out of her fort through the front fucking door... like bitch why'd you build that wall in the first place then? 

but she remembers... she remembers as soon as she wonders out... a few yards away and already so lost... she was hallucinating... it was the façade of her own mind in her new found happiness... she thought it was going to last it never will stay insideeeeeeeee.... better not wonder off too far my child before you run out of pebbles or worse, bread crumbs... don't you ever run out like that thinking there's a meadow of daisies out there...

she sobs her way back in but she is devastated that her own mind deceived her... she needs to clear her thoughts but she has no platform... she has no avenue to engage... she wants to scream and shout and write it all out but she is confined within her fort... this is how much you can seek... these are the decibels at which you are permitted to speak up to... your walls are too thick anyway... even if you scream at the top of your lungs nobody is going to hear you... these are the only handful of people you can reach out to... i am sorry you don't have much of an option... the world is very small indeed... 

she succumbs to the pain... she mends her wounds everyday without painkillers... they don't sell those kind... the kind to numb the most excruciating pain of all... that from the heart... but she mends them anyway... everyday till there is no more scars... but did she do right by herself?... silly woman... mended the wounds from the outside not from inside out... she looks perfect, pretty, pleasant... she's broken on the inside forever... she works just fine... for others but never for her... 

and she will always be remembered... what a wonderful girl... she had so much to offer but nothing to take... cared too much... thought too much... lived too little... put it on her tombstone will you? make sure you align it perfectly in the centre... even as a ghost she can be pretty...

OCD! 

CLASPING A CHAOS CREATING CURIOSITY

I dedicate this to all the overthinkers out there, for a cat may have nine lives but our curiosity is infinite. If you acknowledge that you have a disorder whether it's mild or magnificent just remember this. Your mind is a wonderland, be your own Alice!

I cannot seem to undo the thoughts. 
Bogging me down even when my mind is drought. 
For what it's worth, it's definitely not.
My mind like that of a cat I'd adopt. 

Compress! Compress!
These thoughts only depress!
As much as I try to really suppress!
Nope, sorry but I'm not impressed!

What if? Oh no! Did I make a mess?
Questions! I'm boggled! More and not less!
My actions, reactions and words that digress.
Oh, you're hopeless, no you're not blessed!

But why? I cry, till my tears run dry.
I'm a hatter, it don't matter, my mind will not try,
To shut it, and put it, away with a lie.
I'll serve you my brains sizzling and fried.

Will you handle it? And cradle it? And water it to cool.
I'll never let your hands drown my mind in a pool.
I'm baffled, I'm frazzled, I sound like a fool.
My thoughts that hike mountains with anxiety, the mule.

Overthinking till I rot?
Is this all I've got?
Will I ever finish the plot?
Or will I end it with a comma, simply below the dot?

I will...

NOT!

THE JUKEBOX BESTIE

 

We all know how I like to start a post sometimes with the time or what I'm exactly doing. It's 2.42am and I'm stoning on a video call with KSN! Been meaning to get back to this for a while now. It started off with a different intention but after reading my previous post I was pretty pumped. Of course having my darling KSN so purdy in front of me now in a inspiration in itself and yes 2.45am posts are the best kinds. So here's one entitled "The Jukebox Bestie"! No this post is not about KSN but the title has been inspired by her cause she's my muse. She's like the jukebox that always has the right songs to play at the right moment of my life! So shall we get to it? 

We've got a lot going on right now, we're trying to catch on with some new ventures and sometimes we have to edit that playlist to suit your style, your mood, your scenario. When life throws you lemons you'd prolly play "Lemon Tree". When it's time to sleep you'd prolly play "Are You Sleepy?" which I am! 

Every person that walks into your life is a song! Sometimes it takes time for you to start loving a song. You've got to listen to it a few times before you can start to like it. Some songs you just fall in love with as soon as you listen to it. You will never know when you may get tired of a song. But some songs will always remain on your playlist and you just know you can always just skim through it and hit play. You can hit rewind for memories you can create a remix for the future. You can hit pause and take a hiatus from that song. You might put it in a loop. You might have a few songs that you are particularly addicted to at a point and those will be your top songs. You might edit your playlist and they will change someday. But just you know that there are always new songs coming to this world and that you might come across a really amazing song and that might be your song until it is your song that is. Sometimes you have an upbeat song, a motivational song, a love song, a sad song and some songs you just hate. Sometimes, you stop listening to a song when you find out the meaning behind it. Or vice versa. Whatever song comes our way it always keeps us in the moment. 

My playlist is pretty pretty now and it's definitely on repeat! 

Some songs maybe I oughta...

DELETE!

HERE AND NOW

 

I need to pee. BRB!!!

And this is exactly what I do all the fucking time. I procrastinate and then I make it to level mediocre and occasionally I do make it to level outstanding just cause I can but never ever actually use it to my advantage. 

So let me warn you, this post is going to be as random as the blue guitar above and as always let me explain how I got it. I Googled the images under my name "Chitirra" and all that I got was Chitarra pasta. Yeah that's right food!!! But I scrolled a little more and found this blue guitar. I guess sometimes we just don't know what we're looking for but when you say "Come What May" you take it as it comes and you give it a purpose or a meaning rather than finding for something to fit your purpose aimlessly. 

So somehow Google knew Chitirra loves music, randomness and blue and thus The Blue Guitar was born. Chit Blue, Blue Queen, The Girl With The Blue Beanie, I go by all these names but never really gave myself a definition.

Okay look we all know where this is going. This is a rant post after ages of not blogging and I finally decided to type that shit in and do a post. In hopes to be back like I always do. I once told Jason my friend that in all that you do "BELIEVE"! That much is true so yeah. "Believe, even if it means putting your faith in a yellow highlighter," was what I said and I trust he remembers it till date. Oh, Jason oh Jason my good old friend. Where art thou when I need you the most? And there you are I told myself. Right in my heart with this memory. If you can just remember that, that every soul you ever come across only drops by to let you teach or to teach you and leave a piece of memory behind, then you are never alone. You have all these memories to carry with you and for that I'm grateful for Jason. I'm grateful for all whom I've met and I'm grateful for my yellow highlighter theory. So today I place my trust in The Blue Guitar and shall begin my post with a strum on the virtual guitar. Haha! That concludes my explanation on the picture! I'm weird like that! Always was and always will be! Take me as I am baby!

Can we start now? Yes!!!

So...

I dunno... 

I'm just here writing what I feel and something finally triggered me to be here and to spill somethings out...

Maybe it was 2020, maybe it was me, maybe it was you! (It was you.... Bahahahahahah... I love the blame game innit! Just kidding it was 2020. I'm sorry I mean it was me! It has always been me.) Whatever you do in your life is because of you. So yeah, I'll take blame for the way my life has been and I'll also take credit that I'm here to type this out. 

I just feel blank. Like this emptiness, this melancholy that is running through me. It triggered today after a splendid game of badminton and an absolutely thrilling conversation over dinner. I realised today that I can be more than what I am. I've always been that lazy ass and I've always used that word as a nasty excuse for my lack of progress whether it was my job or my health or my love life (let's not go there shall we, I've been free for the past 2 years but I feel like I'm going to sink into that nasty whirpool again anytime soon and I just wish I could runaway to the Himalayas or something). 

Maybe I'll start with my job. I've been so hardworking but is that enough. This is the first time I've ever given myself a compliment. That I legit am hardworking but I've been drained and I've gone back into my lazy mode. I feel like I've just been on a routinous roller coaster closing in and out and I know what shit's gonna come next and all that's left to do is for maintenance control to fail and poof that track is gonna snap and everything is gonna come tumbling downwards. What's going to be worse is if I'm at the peak and it comes crashing. Will I be able to break the fall? But I see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is approaching thanks to my friends who spit the truth on my face. Will I be able to do this? All I ever do is ask the lord to give me the dear strength. I'm making the necessary changes and I hope to persevere and give that roller coaster a brake in order to make my biggest break. 

Then there's my health. Okay look maybe I don't spell these things out but maybe I'm not in the pink of my health. I'm obese as fuck and I love to eat. I don't get why people think I'm a drunktard when I'm not though. I'm not and no I'm not in denial. I know you're not going to believe me but if I don't believe in me then who will. Anyways yeah I'm not a drunktard (this awkwardly came up in the conversation today) but yes I'm a foodie and a fatty. However, I don't want to end up like some self-centred depressed asshole. You can call me whatever the fuck you want but depressed people are selfish. I'm not saying I'm not selfish. Fat people are selfish too and I pray to reduce that. I've found a wonderful coach and I have 20 sessions at the gym left. Aside from that I've been inspired my my amazing friend who will be leaving me shortly for a job overseas but she left me with all the wisdom in the world to be a better person. Even for that big break up there for my job. I did my annual medical check up and everything looked okay based on my current situation. It's a pass but there's so much more to do. So yay!!! Get started bitch. 

Then there's this lovely boy whom I've been oh so blessed with to be my motivator, mentor and a good friend. A friend who inspired me to start something new for the year. Singing!!! Apparently what I do best. Being the lazy ass that I am I've always evaded it with the excuse that I suck but the truth is I don't. I actually sing pretty well and I just need more practice and yet again I pray that god gives me the wisdom and ability to practice till I'm perfect (just as what Vikram Menon told me today for badminton - Vikram Menon, he says the craziest things. I'm going to pen this right here so that 10 years down the lane when I read this I will remember this random bitch for giving me good quotes aside from Kahlil Gibrans). 

So there you have it. Mainly my job, health and singing which were a problem but all of which have their solutions. 2 amazing friends (names not mentioned) who inspired me and 2 other amazing friends Jason and Vikram who left me with 2 theories (the yellow highlighter theory and that practice makes perfect). If I put this all together at the end of the day I'm actually blessed with a great life and great friends. So what is there to complain about? Why do I always complain? 

This brings me to another there you have it moment!

It's just me. I don't know why? Am I not greateful (my sister just highlighted that) but I am aren't I? Then why? I'm sooooooo fucking blessed then why? What's the missing piece? Or will there always be a missing piece like those moveable jigsaw games. If you don't have one missing piece you will not be able to move the cubes to design that picture that you want? 

There will always be a missing piece and once you bring everything together and you can see the picture of how blessed you are as a whole you will be able to fill that void with a creative design which can only sprout from gratitude. That I am enough and thank you God effect.

Did I just answer my own question? Then what was it that was really missing in the first place?

Well I don't know. Maybe it's just someone to share it with.

So here's what I really feel and feel free to judge me coz in 2020 I've come across a multitude of assholes but even more I've come across a multitude of amazing souls.

I just feel like I'm missing you. I feel like all that I'm doing is not worth enough. Maybe because I haven't gotten there. I've just set this framework and all these solutions but I've not implemented them and once I succeed you will come and find me. But is that what it is? I've always had the belief that you should love me as I am and as a whole but I also just realised I suppose that unfortunately that's not how the world functions. Even myself. For the piece of shit that I am (okay was was fine I'll be positive henceforth) but for the piece of shit that "I WAS" or for the piece of greatness that I'm about to be... Even I have standards and maybe it's just not fair to impose my weakness for others to accept when I should only offer my strengths to them as they offer me theirs.

Maybe you will come once I complete myself because I should remember that nobody completes nobody. I complete myself and only then I will be worthy of others. Once I'm worthy of me. But the question now that I just asked God was. Will you wait for me? And to this my sister answered (well I didn't tell her this dilemma but she kinda split some knowledge over to me out of NO WHERE and here is where God is amazing and answers your prayers. In fact it just occurred to me now) But yeah the solution my sister said was if you don't grab it somebody else will. So maybe I'm not chasing after you because I'm not ready and somebody else is. So who should I blame? See stop stop! Stop finding something to blame. Just do it and grab it. If it is meant to be it will be. 

Dear Lord I thank you for making me type this out and speak to myself in my best form. I know I should have started the day my friends simultaneously pointed to me that I was the best writer. What took me so long to use my own strength to lift me up? I suppose there is a time and place for everything and I'm about to rewrite my history cause that's what I do best!!!

I love God, I love me and I love you!

Here's to the new music I shall write with my newest discovery, my supporting instrument...

THE BLUE GUITAR!!!

WHERE AM I

HERE

NOW

RECONNECT

Life is like a puzzle and maybe it's about time I complete things to see the big beautiful picture ahead by finding the missing pieces and reconnecting them together.

AMELIORATE

WE'LL THINK OF A TITLE LATER

Okay. Look. Wow. As soon as I typed okay look the time turned twelve. 

Okay look again. 12.01. 

This is going to be one of those Sad Saturday posts. It was supposed to be a Freaky Friday post but the clock struck twelve remember. 

I'm not in my most comfortable position. I'm just crumpled into a corner on an undersized chair with an over-sized body. 

Fuck my English and there we go again. Brace yourselves. Profanity will be an overdose tonight. Parental guidance not necessary cause fuck away. I started swearing when I was 13 officially so fuck you. 

BEWARE: I might skip spaces, punctuation, font size, creativity and yes grammar too. 

DEAL WITH IT!!!

I'm just here to write. NO. TO RANT. 

Okay so look. Again and again and again. 

I'm so fucking lazy to write but I'm just going to do it anyway. I mean this rant post not like write write kinda write. Apparently kinda is a valid word. Fuck contemporary English. 

Okay so let's just fucking start there shall we. 

ENGLISH 

I cannot fucking tahan Ya Tuhankuuuuuuu Engelissssss kat opis aku merosot sampai aku nak mampos gilerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Okay no seriously. Ever since I joined this company apparently my Tamil has improved and my English is just deteriorating. I've not read a decent book since August and I've not written ever since. Reconciliations are just getting to my head and I'm not even achieving anything. We'll get to that shit later. So back to English. I mean seriously civilization needs to understand the importance of English or else well... no civilization. God help them. God help me. Atleast a word a day please just read it and learn it. I honestly don't give a fuck who reads this shit today but if you're reading then that's progress enough. Learn a new word. FUCK. It means to fornicate, have intercourse, sex. There all the synonyms laid out for you. Used in a proper sentence...

FUCK YOU!!! (With the damn right punctuation, grammar and style bitches)

RECONCILIATION

For those of you who think this word is Greek. Here's how it goes. 

You take the fucking payment listing that's fucked up literally all over the place by the fucked up customer and you fucking match it with your fucking payment listing which will never fucking match and burn your eyes till you even find the fucking invoice number on that compressed, congested, cock shit sheet. Then after you've fucking digested the fact that both shiznits don't match, you try and open your fucking credit note report and see that even that shit doesn't match to your fucking payment listing let alone the fucking customers fucking list. Then you be like "oh nooooooo fuck this shit what am I going to do with this fucking shit now." Then you try to fucking see if what the fucking customer is claiming is fucking through by matching it with another list some bitch gives you and you be like "Bitch, half the details ain't here". Then you be like "okay fuck this shit I'ma call sales see if they know what shit they agreed with the customer" and they be like "Oh fuck noooooooo how am I supposed to know what I gave the customer" and there, right at this very mother fucking point you just do a table flip and use that damn-right-punctuation,-grammar-and-style-bitches sentence and go "FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU". Then once you've had it and done your daily ritual of 3 cups of Milo a day and cursed but thanked Nestle for such an expensive but totally worth it product, you go back to your fucking desk (with which you can't peacefully pin up things that you like without having some asshole comment on it) and you fucking get an approval to blindly issue a credit note for them customers and then you wait for the fucking thing to be issued while you get fucked by everything else in office and then you fuck it to the customer's fucking face and there you think you're done but nooooooooooo. You have to now fucking tag that shit to some non-existent shit you pluck out of air and obviously that shit ain't going to balance. Then when that shit ain't balanced them shit face sales be coming to shit on your face and then you get fucked and somehow fuck some shit up to solve the fucking problem and everyone along the process is happy they got whatever the fuck they want but you. You just get fucked all the way through and then it's over. Done. Like a one night stand, like a tramp, like a used condom, like a soda can that contains all that gaseous pressure to keep that damn drink tasty for your but once you're done drinking you be kicking the can around ungratefully. Dude the least you can do is recycle that shit. (confession: i threw a can into the bin yesterday). Which brings me to my next topic. 

GREEN PLANET GREEDY PEOPLE

Yes. I threw a can of Sprite into the bin. Not only did I gain more calories to become a larger carbon footprint but I threw the can into the bin instead of recycling it. I have no excuses. Yes I was just fed up and a bitch but I have no excuse. Execute me by all means but HA HAAA you can't do that. NE NE NEEE POO POOOO. Know how that feels??? Being NE NE NE POO POOPED at!!!

I DOOOO!!! BY MY OWN FATHER WHO THREW A TISSUE INTO THE DRAIN WHEN THERE WAS A HUGE FUCKING DUSTBIN IN FRONT OF HIS CATARACT (This will be my next topic) PRONE EYES. 

NEED I EXPLAIN FURTHER.

FUCK ALL OF YOU!!!

THE CATARACS.

Okay THE CATARAC isn't the topic but if you've heard of The Cataracs, it was an American hip hop indie-pop production project (formerly duo) formed in Berkeley, California consisting of songwriter, vocalist, and producer Niles "Cyranizzy" Hollowell-Dhar (born 6 October 1988), and formerly songwriter and vocalist David "Campa" Benjamin Singer-Vine (born 1987). Yeah I know I'm lazy like that and copy pasted the shit out of it from Wikipedia but hey the fact that I took a damn hard attempt to change back the font is a big fucking deal. So yeah. This topic ain't about the Cataracs specifically but just music in general since I like that song Dancing In The Dark by Deven and I think the Cataracs helped her too. I don't know don't ask me technical things like this but I love music and A.R.Rahman. He's a category of his own. Like when I say I like music yes I like every kinda song and music director and I listen to various genres but then when I say I like A.R.Rahman it's like a noun. Like okay let's not get to that whole noun pronoun shit fuck. As much as my English is Oh So Wow (sounds like Au Re Voir) but the whole technical shit behind it sucks. Anyways I think you know what I mean. Like the reason I'm alive is him and I can also die a happy person because of him andddddddd my sangeetham teacher who is an 18 year old boy who is like some child prodigy and gosh his voice is so heavenly and I be like if these people can change the world why can't I?

FINALLY

Since I just stopped at a some what a nice note, I'll try and end this post here but really life is a struggle. Sometimes you want to come home to a family but you can't. Sometimes you want to go out and meet some civilized souls but you can't. But always you can listen to music, (erm you can't do that shit in office you have to eat sleep recon repeat literally numbers) anyways at other times you can listen to music and you can rant and write but only on your blog. Not to humans. Humans suck and you shouldn't suck. I don't suck cause I'm an alien. Fuck you I'll be anything I want to be which is actually making want to write another topic about people who judge but oh well... FUCK THEM ANYWAYS.

So I'm DONE. I'm FUCKING DONE. WITH ALL THIS SHIT AND SHIZNITS AND FUCK. 

OKAY NOW I'M DONE FOR REAL AND I'M GOING TO WATCH THE NOTEBOOK CAUSE IT MIGHT MAKE ME HAPPY OR CRY BUT WHATEVER.

No I'm actually done cause my back, wrist and mum is hurting me. (P/S:- There is no such word as paining). Fuck this shit. But I'm also going to watch the movie. Oh did I tell you? Movies are also nice. They let me forget reality for a while. I don't know let's not go there now. There's apparently a fine line between reality and fantasy. I'm just hanging on it. Nope. Swinging on it. Nope. Mostly being blown on it to the fantasy side. I think I've mentioned this before but I don't care cause I can do and be whatever the FUCK I WANT TO BE!!!

MUNDANE (Word Of The Day - Google That Shit You Illiterate Twat)

THESE SMALL THINGS

Where do I start, when do I pretend, where do I end. I'll tell you what. Today I'll be honest, no tricks up my sleeve, no lies waiting to grow on my nose, no pretense hidden by a mask. I'll just start and I'll just end but what's in between is for you to judge although I would hope that what's in between is to make you smile. What's in between is quite small, petite, minute actually but it makes the finishing grandeur. It would be your smile that is grand I pray. 

These Small Things.

They come, they go,

They sometimes never say hello,

They live, they die,

They sometimes never say goodbye.

But these small things are not like the start or the end,

They remain forever etched,

They sync, they blend,

In your memories forever sketched.

With that I conclude,

Although this is but the beginning,

Not with a prelude,

But with how small things make great happenings. 

And how Maria puts it in the Sound of Music,

My dear avid reader, these are a few of my favourite things.

The starting of a song,

The finishing of a book,

The distance that is long,

With your hands to mine hooked.

The characters by Jane Austen,

The notes in music seven,

A snow man frosting,

When the time is eleven eleven.

The seventies so groovy,

The billboards greatest hits,

A Mani Ratnam movie,

With A.R.Rahman to finish it.

The songs of Michael Jackson,

His moonwalk and video clips,

A mother holding her naughty son,

With a stern face but a safe grip.

The writing of a poem,

The telling of a tale,

The fact that nothing rhymes with poem,

And how now I just wanna wail.

The counting of stars,
The smell of cut grass,
The friends so far,
A clink of the glass. (Cheers To That)

The shades of blue,
When I haven't got a clue,
Peeling dry glue,
Medicines for a flu.

The smile on a poor man's face,

The beauty in a dancer's grace,

When things are in its place,

When not, but we managed to trace.

The twisted raagas in Carnatic,

The geographic setting from God's own touch,

The piousness of a fanatic, 

The contrast that some people don't pray much.

Puppies and kittens and a baby's butt,

How sometimes we accidentally take an international fart,

Smiles and laughter nothing else makes the cut,

These are the small things that I take to my heart. 

I could go on and on with a million more,

For these small things can accumulate with much galore,

But these are the things that will make you adore,

The life that you're living and what it's worth for. 

With that I now, can conclude for sure,

The beginning, the end and the beautiful between,

I hope this piece was a smiling cure,

The small things in life that are simple and serene. 

Praise Thy Lord.

AMEN. 

TEMPTING TEMPERAMENTAL TEMPER

The thoughts that sink into my brain,

The thoughts that sync like track to train,

Of his face, his pace and his ready smile,

That keeps me sustained for a thousand miles.

His genuine touch,

His effort much,

His unhampered spirit, principles and more,

His bullies, his charms much like Theodore.  

His theories and tantrums, tenderness and time

To solve the miserable problems of mine.

His nags and nonsense,

Most of which make sense.

His charm when romantic,

His words so traumatic,

His gestures and ways,

That tend to make my day.

All of which I adore,

Despite his flaws a galore.

It has been inked in my heart,

It could never break apart.

This little boy who's become so much of a man,

From a little shaky leaf to an oak that forever stands.

Maybe just maybe I've found the perfect one for me,

But that my dear is for him to see, well if I'm perfect for he.

And while I can only hope for me to become we,

It all depends on him to decide if we could forever be.

YOU AND ME